My Battle
For Me
It is hard for those without MPD/DID
to really understand the
dynamics of this condition.
Although some people may go
through much of their lives not
aware that they have a problem,
there is a point for most where
the truth is revealed. At this
point, some sufferers choose to
simply accept the condition as a
fact, or attribute it to a
reaction to stress or maybe mood
swings and "live with it".
Others, like me, choose to fight
the MPD in the attempt to
"reunite" the various parts of
my soul that have "fractured
off" during times of extreme
stress, in my case times of
abuse. For me, the battle to
reunite has taken the form of
trying to understand the events,
emotions and/or spiritual
conditions that has created each
alternate personality ("alter").
I have been doing this through a
lot of prayer, seeking God's
healing, deep reflection of my
memories, and the help of a
close Christian friend. Through
this process I reunite the
alters with "me". However, I
have found that some alters
resist being reunited, due to
fear or maybe rejection. This
has resulted in "identity
battles", which are struggles
where an alter tries to wrestle
day to day control of my life
from me! I know this must sound
strange, but trust me it is a
terrible feeling.
I wrote the writing below after
an "identity" battle with an
alter. The reason why I am
adding this to my site is to let
others who do not have or do not
know someone with MPD/DID
understand what kind of fight is
going on. To help you visualize
the battle in the mind and soul
of someone who is seeking God
and is striving for healing and
wholeness. Please try to
understand that this is real,
MPD is not easy and not a cop
out, it is an actual battle. For
those who suffer like I did, I want you to know that
Jesus Loves You! He is the
author and finisher of our faith
and will not let you.
He promises complete healing and
a sound mind and body.
Jesus
Loves You!
(A fight for sanity and
deliverance)
MAY BE TRIGGERING
I lay in my bed my body is
exhausted. The pain moves
randomly through my limbs. My
insides feel as though so much
pressure is being applied that
it is just a matter of seconds
till I am crushed under the
weight. In my mind I fight to
stay conscious. The voices
become louder as more pressure
is applied to my heart and
lungs. I am promised relief from
the pain if I give into the
tempters. "Renounce your God and
the storm will subside".
Are the voices demons or a part
of me that has broken off in a
time of trauma? It doesn't
really matter. Anything that
demands I turn my back on the
Lord needs to be resisted! The
voices are too strong and she
(The broken soul) listens to
their words. She gives my body
away to them to be used for
their pleasure. I feel the pain
I know the intruder. My will is
ignored and penetration is made.
I lost control to them, I feel
dirty, used and betrayed. The
feeling of guilt overwhelms me.
Why can't I be stronger than
her?
Part of me, a young girl (The
protective soul) reaches out for
help. I have gone too far into
the darkness to get out without
help. She knows were it can be
found. She turns to one who
loves God and loves all the
fragmented souls and me. He
gives her a message to relay
through the darkness, a simple
message that she reluctantly
delivers. Her belief is weak but
she trusts God's servant and
says these simple words. "Jesus
Loves You". With that, the
chains fall to the ground and
the light returns!
Thank you Lord for your mercy
and love!
Praise you Lord for the power of
your name!
by
Mammabee
